You can't think your way into a new mindset.
When my oldest child was maybe 10, they had a friend who announced to us all, “I know how to ice skate.”
After talking to the kid’s mom, I learned that they’d had one single lesson, one time.
I laughed–this kid had gumption!
But really, I think you and I can agree one lesson does not make an ice skater. Not that you have to be Katarina Witt to claim that identity, either, but “knowing” how to ice skate requires some practice.
So I gotta say that if anyone is telling you that you can “just shift” your mindset in one go, well, to quote Westley from The Princess Bride, they’re just selling you something.
When I talk to solopreneurs who struggle with the visibility (and vulnerability!) required to market, network, promote, and sell what they do, I find that most of them believe they are significantly held back by their mindset. They’re often stuck around how to actually change their mindset, though. What doesn’t help is that in all the massive amounts of discourse about mindset online there’s usually an unspoken assumption that mindset is just in your brain.
After all, it’s called a MINDset.
Mindset shifts aren’t just whoosh! and done.
Before I explain myself, a definition. (If you want to get into the research on mindset, I highly recommend Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset, which is what really started the whole conversation.) Mindset is basically a set of thoughts and beliefs that’s become a default. To make it feel a little more practically applicable, I love the way Emma-Louise Parks talks about mindset on her podcast (“How I think About…Mindset”), so I’m going to outline what she has to say:
Emma-Louise explains that when we repeat a thought many times, it creates a neural pathway, sort of a shortcut designed to save energy on stuff we do all the time. That way we don’t have to concentrate fully on walking or brushing our teeth, for example. In other words, some of our thoughts become habitual, also known as a “mindset.”
She believes that the “-set” part of the word mindset can get a little confusing. It makes it sound rigid, like mindset is a ‘thing’ that can be judged as good or bad. Neural pathways can always be created, though, so in essence, shifting to a new mindset involves creating a new pathway and using it until it becomes a stronger habit than the old one.
“It’s not as easy as: I decide not to think that anymore. Done!”
We all have thoughts we started thinking at earlier stages in our lives when we had less understanding, power, and perspective than we do now. Those old thoughts may not represent the reality of who we’ve grown into or the way things have changed. But they’re habits now, sometimes at odds with what’s happening now.
Emma-Louise’s description of mindset allows a less judgmental way of approaching mindset, not as good or bad, but as more or less helpful. This is how I was trained to approach mindset work as a coach: the stories you believe about yourself and the world change as you grow, and old ways of looking at things may or may not help you now. Thing is, you get to decide what’s helpful, no judgment needed.
Here’s an example: Say you want to reach out to a potential referral partner, because they serve a similar clientele as you, but at a different stage, and you see how much you could really help each other out! But you go to write an email and spend two hours fretting over every word and then freeze up when it’s time to hit send. Sending this email makes so much strategic sense, and you know it’s not likely that they’ll be mean to you, so you’re really upset with yourself that the email is just not getting sent. You’re not being logical.
If you got really curious, you might realize that this reminds you of 5th grade when you were the new kid and that time when you tried to make a new friend on the playground, they made fun of your outfit and ran off giggling with their friends (looking back at you so you know exactly who they were talking about). And that other time you asked out that cute kid and they said they were busy, only to find out later that they totally weren’t. They just rejected you, and worse, word got around and you started getting mean notes slipped into your locker calling you a loser. At the time, maybe you withdrew socially and focused on academics to feel safe while you waited for graduation.
So, whether you even recognize it, you have a belief now that rejection means being ostracized and bullied, so the stakes feel REALLY HIGH even when logically, you know they aren’t. This makes sense, and judging your thought habits as ‘bad’ doesn’t help.
I bet if we looked, we’d find recurring patterns around avoiding rejection all over your business and life. We’d find a belief that you can’t handle rejection. But you kind of have to risk rejection to grow your business, so… this belief that got you through back then is holding you back now.
This belief that rejection is dangerous and you can’t handle it runs DEEP. (Again, it makes sense and there’s nothing wrong with you. We’ve all got our version of this belief.)
Here’s the thing about brains: their primary job is to keep you safe, but they can’t always accurately decide whether something is dangerous. Sending an email to a prospective referral partner, in this case, feels dangerous. You feel afraid, with the nausea and sweaty palms to make it even more fun.
Emma-Louise Parks said the “-set” part of “mindset” is misleading, and I think the “mind-” part is as well. Because if you’re afraid, you experience it viscerally. And consciously changing a thought in your prefrontal cortex isn’t going to mean much to a lizard brain that senses danger.
So yeah, you can’t just think your way into a new mindset. You feel and sense and act your way, too.
And if you’re willing to go there, it’s even a spiritual journey: if old mindsets are coping mechanisms when you didn’t have more mature internal resources to deal with a situation, then practicing self-acceptance and reconnecting those hurt parts creates a badass courageous mindset that’s a natural byproduct of wholeness.
This is not something you can plug into the Matrix and just download, like Neo learning kung fu. It takes time. It has layers.
This is the reason I’m not a fan of affirmations, by the way. You’re invited to believe that simply reciting them in your mind will eventually change the way you habitually think. I get it, but they feel untrue. For our hypothetical person who is afraid of rejection, there’s part of them that will never believe: “I am not affected by what people think!”
In my work with clients, I encourage creating new beliefs that they can, you know, actually believe–right now. In this case, thinking “I’m practicing being more brave, even if it’s hard for me right now” may be the perfect first step toward eventually trusting that they can handle rejection when they reach out to potential partners. From there, we take small actions that start providing the brain with evidence that this new way of being is not only okay, but effective.
The first step is recognizing the unhelpful thoughts, and while you might catch on to an actual string of words inside your head, you also might feel an emotion or a bodily sensation as your primary clue. Since this initial awareness can be a challenge, an outside perspective can help a lot. Coaches are great for sniffing these out, by the way. You may hear us call them “limiting beliefs,” and we’re trained to look for them.
From there, if you want support in shifting your mindset, I recommend taking the time to find someone who understands that you can’t just think your way through this work and who is able to create a space where you are willing to be brave and real, even with your emotions. If an unhelpful mindset is connected to trauma, consider whether a licensed therapist might offer the tools you need to help your nervous system return to a sense of safety before you start trying to make big changes in your behavior.
If you’re finding it harder than you think it should be to change the way you think, it may be because you’re staying in your head, and not recruiting the rest of you, getting your whole self involved in the work.
Ultimately, the goal is to accept that things won’t always work the way you want them to in business. Your business needs you to develop a tolerance for smart risks and uncertainty. You don’t have to enjoy it (though someday you might!), but trusting that you can handle inevitable discomfort and disappointment will help you make the bold decisions that get you momentum. That’s a helpful mindset.